BXBX NOVEL Chapter 1432 - Balancing (1)
After dinner, JoAnna met with each of the girls who are set for the surgery tomorrow and advised them not to eat anything for the rest of the evening and in the morning. JoAnna also talked with Imani about the plan for tomorrow, so that she knows what to expect. When she finished checking the room which will be used for surgeries, she looked for Sarah.
"Do you know where Jeff is?", JoAnna asked Sarah when she found her in the family room.
"Don\'t worry.", Sarah responded. "He is on the property, thinking about the events from the last two days."
The truth is that Sarah peeked in the kitchen a few times and she saw that Jeff is busy with whatever he is doing and there is a mess of vegetables and flour all around, and she decided not to disturb him.
Sarah wanted to ask JoAnna, why is she asking about Jeff (again)? She left Los Angeles yesterday and the whole day when Jeff is around, JoAnna is either ignoring him or acting uncomfortable.
But Sarah didn\'t want to disturb JoAnna, and she decided on a more comfortable question: "How are you doing?"
"As long as I am busy and planning for tomorrow, I\'m fine. But when I take a breather, then anxiousness takes over.", JoAnna admitted.
"That is normal. You bury yourself in work and that distracts you enough so that you can push thoughts about Jeff to the back of your mind. Sounds familiar?"
JoAnna realized what Sarah is going for: "You are telling me that Jeff buries himself in his work and that is how he ended up neglecting me?"
"I would not use the word \'neglect\', but his mind is focused on work most of the time, and that explains how he didn\'t see your displeasure growing. I remember that you told me how Jeff is not a man who pauses to observe his surroundings, he always pushes forward, and if there is no road ahead, he will make one. That is why, without you calling out for him to stop he didn\'t realize that he is going in the wrong direction."
JoAnna pressed her lips into a line. "I know that your words are true. But I still expect him to look at me."
Sarah frowned. "Anna, you are not a weak girl who needs protecting, and whenever he looked at you he saw what everyone else sees: a strong, confident woman. And with this, we are back to the topic of effective communication. If you have complaints, you need to tell him clearly because he will not see the displeasure behind your smile."
JoAnna was irritated. Shouldn\'t Sarah comfort her? "It sounds like it\'s my fault."
Sarah exhaled and shook her head, indicating that she does not agree with JoAnna\'s statement. "The fact is that the whole day Jeff is looking your way and you are avoiding him. Jeff feels bad and needs help in figuring out how to fix it, and if you don\'t talk to him he will come up with something on his own. When that happens, don\'t blame him for picking the wrong solution."
"Ah!", JoAnna exclaimed in frustration. "Why can\'t he be more in tune with what I want? Are my expectations so unreasonable?"
"I don\'t know, Anna. People have different thresholds of what unreasonable is and how much they are willing to do for a relationship. Let me ask you one thing… Compared to when you moved to Los Angeles from Seattle, do you love him more or less?"
JoAnna paused. "I don\'t think that it can be measured. My feelings definitely changed. It used to be wild and exciting and now is more solid."
"It was wild and exciting because at the beginning of the relationship everything is new, but as time goes by, you gain trust in the person and that makes your relationship solid. Do you love him now? I am asking about right now, can you live with him or is your displeasure so deep that you can\'t bear to get close to him?"
JoAnna frowned. "What kind of questions are that?"
Sarah exhaled in an attempt to calm herself down. "Because you talk about Jeff like he is not doing anything right. I understand that you are under the influence of hormones, but you should be able to look at Jeff and decide: do you love him or not? Can you live with him as he is, or you need him to change? If a change is needed, how much?"
"We reached this point, so it\'s obvious that I want him to change. But how much? I don\'t know."
"I suggest that you think about that instead of focusing on spending time with the girls. They are not going anywhere, and every time Jeff looks your way and you ignore him, you are breaking his heart. And that is fine if you want a divorce, but if you want to fix your relationship, you need to talk to him." Sarah paused before adding: "People will change under the strong enough influence, but if you need him to change fundamentally and to become someone who he is not, it makes me wonder if you love Jeff or some image of him which you created in your mind? Jeff is human and he is not perfect. If you can\'t accept his faults, do you love him? Also, the whole topic is about him changing, do you think that since the two of you are together you did everything right?"
"It\'s easy for you to talk about accepting your partner as-is. You and Aiden are the same."
"I fell in love with Aiden and the more I found out about him, the more I realized that on the points which count, we are the same. But that means that I need to love my shortcomings as well. You fell for a man who is the total opposite of you. You are cheerful and funny and spontaneous, and he is not. That does not mean that you can\'t love him."
"You don\'t approve of what we spoke earlier, about Jeff changing his lifestyle.", JoAnna observed.
"That is not what I said. It would be great if he can balance work and life and make everything work. However, if the change is too much, it will backfire because it\'s not sustainable. He can force himself to be whoever you want him to be for a few days, weeks, or months, but he will be miserable and eventually it will blow up and he will revert to his old behavior. I believe you know what I\'m talking about because right now you are going through the same thing. I\'m not saying that what you are doing is wrong, but I think that your expectations are too much. You want him to stay on top of his job and manage a company effectively, to be Jeffrey White everyone respects or fears, yet you want him to be with you and rub your shoulders whenever you feel like it. You want him to know what you are feeling and to act accordingly, and you are not talking to him. Before you ask him to balance his life, I suggest that you balance your expectations!"
"Why are you raising voice at me?"
Sarah exhaled in frustration. "Because you are going in circles. When he is nearby you ignore him when he is not here, you are looking for him. You are asking questions on how to make it work, but every time you talk about it, I have a feeling that you don\'t want to get back with him. Make up your mind."
"I need time to think."
"Well, that is a first.", Sarah said sarcastically.
JoAnna frowned. "What do you mean?"
"You didn\'t need any time to jump into the role of Mrs. White. Are you telling me that now you need a break to figure out if the last year of your life was a mistake?"
"Are you telling me that I should not reflect and make adjustments? That I am stuck with where I am and that I must continue?"
"No. I\'m trying to point out that you are blaming Jeff for all this, like you did everything right. He didn\'t cheat on you or did any unforgivable offense. You should reflect on your relationship and make adjustments, but make sure you are doing them together because it takes two to build a solid marriage. Don\'t expect him to be the only one who needs to compromise."
JoAnna looked at Sarah with a complex expression.
"I\'m tired. Good night.", JoAnna said before turning and leaving the room.
Sarah looked after JoAnna and she was not sure what else to say. Sarah said it all, more than once. But for some reason, JoAnna is unable to decide what to do, and that reflects in her actions.
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