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Chapter 210 - Opening One\'s Heart

After Count Grahm and his daughter leave, we finally have some peace.

The letter from the Ambassador with Elisabeth\'s fate printed on it arrives soon later, so I can relax and ponder about my next move.

?Now, they don\'t have any motive to try killing you,? Alexander says while looking at the letter with a burning stare. I should let him destroy the paper later. It will help his mood.

I\'m sitting on his lap. His arms are surrounding me, and his chin is on my shoulder. I can guess his thoughts from the strength he uses to hold me. It tightens every time his mind strays towards the past.

?Until they find out I\'m lobbying to prevent their second daughter from becoming empress.?

?They won\'t find out.?

?Not until it\'s too late,? I giggle. ?I might need the Ambassador\'s help once more...?

?No!?

?No??

He releases his clench a bit, and I can return to breathe normally.

?Are you ordering me not to have any contacts with him?? I inquire, just to be sure.

I\'ve already angered... No, Alexander wasn\'t angry. He was hurt.

I\'ve hurt him once already; there\'s no need to let him meet the person responsible for our ruin. I can stand to look at my uncle in the eyes only because I don\'t remember anything. But there\'s no reason to remind my husband about it too often.

?I\'m not ordering anything,? he confesses. ?I\'m sorry for the tone. I\'m just asking you not to lower your guard. That man is dangerous, and he knows how to hide his thoughts very well.?

?All right,? I accept. ?I won\'t meet the Ambassador unless necessary. And I\'ll be careful.?

I peck his forehead, now that I can. I won\'t be able to reach it when he lifts his face from my shoulder.

?He hasn\'t done anything to us this time,? I remind him. ?This is another time, Alexander. The Ambassador is still innocent.?

?For now.?

?We can\'t judge him before he commits any deed. Maybe, he won\'t be our enemy, this time...?

?What hasn\'t changed is his nature, Thea. I\'ve seen his eyes after he killed you. I\'m sure he will do it again if it profits him.?

I\'ve seen it as well, in a clouded and crazy way.

?Our child will have a claim to the throne. A feeble claim, but still one. Asteria will first get rid of the rest of them, make you become the Emperor before proceeding forward. It\'s the fastest way to get to Ethiro without conquering every inch by force.?

Wars are expensive. Ruining an Empire with battles is almost impossible, so the only way to go is to form alliances and wait for the right moment to strike. It might take centuries, but that time is nothing for a country.

People live a few decades, Empires for ten times longer.

?I don\'t want my children to live in an unstable place,? I say. ?I don\'t want to leave them a crumbling Empire. Even if it means helping the people that took my city from me.?

Alexander analyses my face with a frown.

His hands move away from me, and he leans back. He\'s considering the situation, most probably searching for a way to tell me that I\'m not allowed to put myself in danger.

Not that his words mean anything. I\'ll do it, with or without his help. It would have been nice to collaborate, but one can\'t have control over some events.

?I am responsible for Polis\'s fall. If it weren\'t for me, you would be happy in your city.?

?With another person,? I point out. I wouldn\'t be suffering, for sure, but I can\'t imagine myself falling in love.

?If you want your revenge, I\'ll let you have it. But first, please... Wait for our son to be born. I won\'t ask you anything else. I want to see him once again, and then you can do anything you deem proper.?

?What are you talking about?? I chuckle. He\'s so extreme.

It\'s funny but also annoying.

It reminds me of the first days of marriage. Then, I was the one thinking about death, wary about Alexander\'s every action.

?I don\'t need revenge.? He doesn\'t deserve it. ?On the contrary, I want to protect you. But you\'re stubborn and won\'t let me.?

?Oh, Thea. I just wish you could remember.?

?I don\'t need to remember.?

I would become another person, then. I wouldn\'t be me anymore.

And I like this version of myself, the one that loves Alexander and is pampered by him. I like the woman that believes his crazy story without any tangible proof but some dreams.

And it hurts to hear that he wants me to be more like her, his Queen.

?Alexander, there is something we need to talk about. It\'s important. I can\'t be like your Queen Theodora. Never. You have to accept that if you want to love me and not a shadow from your past.?

?Thea, I\'m the one responsible for your change. In my memories, you died. No version of you can be worse than that. Not even your furious self. Not the shaken, trembling girl that hates the world and wants to die. As long as you\'re alive, there is hope for me.?

He stopped hugging me, keeping some distance. Yet, he didn\'t chase me away from his lap.

His eyes are wet as if he\'s reliving his most hidden fears one after the other.

?I considered taking her place,? I whisper, opening my heart to him. ?It didn\'t seem too difficult. But definitely wrong.?

My heart aches, a stinging pain spreads through my chest. I\'d do anything to get rid of it. It\'s vicious, and it reminds me that I am not that beautiful woman from our dreams.

?I don\'t want to trick you,? I sigh.

?You can\'t trick me, Thea. I can read your mind, remember? I understand what you\'re feeling.?

His forefinger caresses my cheek, the only contact he allows himself.

?I don\'t know how to explain it, though. I haven\'t considered this from other points of view. For me, it has been normal to remember something from the past. Most of the people I met weren\'t exactly the same. Just look at Martia. She\'s so different from her original self that it\'s scary. But she\'s still my little sister.?

?She changed too,? I nod.

I couldn\'t see much about Princess Lyland, but the few scenes I could witness had a gloomy little girl that didn\'t talk at all. Mute, just like the nanny.

There wasn\'t even the nanny, now that I think about it. Who knows if Alexander remembers what happened to her?

?And you don\'t miss her first self? Not even a bit??

?No, I don\'t. Martia is good the way she is. I don\'t have any right to decide how people should be. Maybe, my first life was the wrong one. Maybe this is how things were supposed to be, but something went wrong, and the gods decided to send me back to find a remedy.?

And me? What about me? Why am I allowed to see your past?

?You think that you\'ve changed so much, but I can tell that you\'re always the same. Your soul is the same.?

?Is that so??

?You\'re younger, that\'s true,? he realises. ?But I am too.?

?And what else??

?Your bosom was bigger the first time I touched it,? he nods. ?But I guess it will become of the proper size in a year or two.?

?You\'re a maniac.?

?And your hair hasn\'t lost its pretty shade of blond. I was worried the northern climate would ruin it, but it didn\'t.?

It would have if Kate wasn\'t so laborious. She found the ingredients for the hair lotion I used in Polis and delivered it to me a few weeks from our arrival. Retrieving all the herbs and oils had been more difficult than finding poison, but she succeeded.

She made it just in time, as my hair was becoming dry.

?The way you move your eyes on me without seeing a thing is also the same. I don\'t have a clue about what you\'re thinking, but I can try finding out by wild guessing.?

?I was thinking about my hair,? I confess. No need for mind games.

?Rather, I have something to ask you.?

?Hmm?? he moans, startled.

?Do you have anything to hide from me??

?Why do you ask??

?Just to know where I stand. Have you told me everything that might be important? Or are there some things you want to keep for yourself? I won\'t interrogate you, Alexander. Just... You\'ve been mysterious for this whole time, so it\'s difficult to adapt to an honest husband.?

?Oh,? he mumbles.

He looks down for a second, and I take the chance to lean on his chest. I cuddle in his arms while he hugs me by instinct. He\'s so lost in his thoughts that he doesn\'t even notice that he\'s embracing me again.

From the shape of his mouth, the way he crooked his lips, I can tell he\'s going to speak.

It will be a night full of stories. Hopefully, from his second life. I\'m more interested in my Duke than Queen Theodora\'s consort.

?Indeed,? he states once taken the decision. ?There are some things I haven\'t told you yet.?