BXBX NOVEL Chapter 319: Where Blame Lies
Chapter 319: Where Blame Lies
But it just isn't the point. I want to deal with the parts that are my fault, and the fact that it doesn't seem to be bothering me. Then again… even if we ignore the fact that Xiang got possessed, he did summon me to that world. I could have been somewhere else having a good time, but instead no, I'm contracted to go revenge seeking. Hmm… but I feel like that robs me of a bit too much agency.
A gun isn't responsible for killing someone when the trigger is pulled, but the assassin should be… I think. Sure, whoever hired them should be responsible as well, but I think that it doesn't make the assassin completely free of guilt. So… is that what I am? It's still not quite right though is it… because I did TRY not to get anyone killed.
Especially in the compound. I can be glad that I tried my hardest there… and really do I feel bad about the injuries I caused them? Kat considered that, and realised it was a very easy no. She felt no guilt for the damage inflicted onto them. She didn't feel bad for being ok with the injuries either. Unlike the deaths, this just seemed too inconsequential. A bit of bruising and maybe broken bones.
I might be a little skewed in that perspective because I can walk off getting stabbed in the heart twice after some nice bed rest in the hospital but I suppose that's how it is isn't it? Everything is altered by our own experi-*
"Kat you alright?" asked Vivian. "You seem to be going through a few facial expressions there"
"Eyes on the road" said Lily with a joking tone that had a hint of seriousness to it.
"It's fine, I just took a glance in the review mirror" said Vivian with a smile, looking pointedly into that same mirror again and into Kat's own eyes.
Kat sighed with a smile on her face. "Yeah I'm good. I was just thinking about what Lily said. I don't think… well I can't say that I agree fully. I have some of my own agency even if a contract is restricting me. Especially because I can say no after all. Now, granted it was somewhat forced this time but that isn't the main point…
"I was also thinking on if I was bothered by the injuries I caused. Outside of the people who died, I hurt a bunch of humans… and I just don't feel bad about that, and unlike the deaths I think that is perfectly ok. I mean… maybe that makes me a bad person but…
"Everyone was able to fight against me. Sure, I outclassed them a tonne, but they were all at least prepared for a fight. Not a single one of them asked what I was doing fighting them, or seemed surprised that they were in a battle at all. Not even when we attacked that compound did that stuff happen, they just rocked up and we fought…
"I don't want to say it was simple, but it kinda was. I wouldn't just attack anyone here because they aren't looking for a fight or even expecting it but… so far the only places I've been they kind of have. Well, I'm probably just extrapolating… I didn't even fight when I visited Minor, but it sounds about as deadly as Xiang's world…
"Anyway, I'm getting of track. I guess I'm saying that, I've found at least some parts of what happened with Xiang that I can move past easily" said Kat
"Obviously" said Lily "There's a bunch of really cool scenes in books I've read that are something like that. Which is, if you seek to take the life of another then you must be prepared to lose your life in turn. Now, it isn't quite the same for you Kat, but you DON'T target anyone's life. You just go for injuries, and accept that you will get hurt. I mean, did you even hesitate for a second once Xiang started to go all murder hobo?"
"Murder Hobo?" asked Kat
"It's a dnd term" said Sylvie "Describes a character that has little to no character development or likeable traits and treats every encounter with anything that moves a combat encounter and kills them. It's also somewhat common in video games"
Kat raised an eyebrow and looked down at the girl in her lap. "When did you pick that up? There isn't exactly a lot of ways at the orphanage."
"Books and internet forums accessed from the school library" said Sylvie innocently.
Kat decided not to push, and just be thankful she wasn't looking for anything stranger than that… right? Shaking her head to clear it of the image of Sylvie looking for satanic rituals to remove someone's voice forcibly, Kat let herself relax.
After the group travelled in silence for a bit longer Kat spoke up. "Hey Sylvie what exactly have you been doing while I was away?"
"I helped Lily a bit with her big project and I spent some time doing things with Callisto. Vivian also tried to watch a movie with me but she fell asleep before it got past the first ten minutes so I'm not sure if that one counts. Oh, and Callisto got me books. Not sure from where but they disappear when I finish with them and more appear. I think she's getting them from a library but the town one is really small and I think at least some of the books aren't from there" said Sylvie softly.
Vivian chucked from the front. "Ah yeah… I'm really sorry about that Sylvie. I did want to spend some more time with you…"
"It's ok Vivian, I got to snuggle with you while watching a movie after all. It would have been better if you were awake to watch Atlantis with me but having you around is more than good enough" said Sylvie in response.
"Naaw, you're too sweet to me Sylvie. Adopting you and Kat was the best decision I ever made" Vivian said with a beaming smile.
Kat's cheeks heated up slightly. She tried to push down the blush but continued to feel it linger. "Ah… sorry to be a bother" said Kat without thinking.
Vivian glared into the mirror "No talking down to yourself Kat. You are very easy to take care of and wonderful to have around. Don't you go trying to undersell yourself. Why, even Callisto is fond of you now, and I don't think that's ever happened"
"She gets along well with Lily and Sylvie though" said Kat
Vivian smiled wider "Yes but… in at least some small way they are both… 'her people' so to speak. You on the other hand, are not, and she normally just can't get along with or even find common ground with people like you and me"
Eh? Kat's confusion was written on her face but nobody comment as she tried to examine her thoughts. *I don't understand? Well, I can understand how Callisto, Lily, and Sylvie get along of course… but… I feel like I have some kinship with her as well. Not to give myself too much praise but… I'm rather industrious. I helped out around the orphanage all the time, and I'd damn well do it at home if Callisto didn't clean everything as if the slightest build-up of dust was going to cause the end of the world.
Then again. It's not like Vivian isn't industrious either. She gets her work done well, takes on numerous big projects… but she also loves her work… maybe that's the difference? No that can't be right because Callisto also has a… well maybe not a real job, but she can earn her own money somehow.*
Kat decided she couldn't find the answer she was looking for and it was best to just ask. "I don't quite follow Vivian. I mean… I think we both have at least some things in common with Callisto"
Vivian shrugged "Well sure, everyone has at least some common ground, but let me ask everyone this. Say you had free time for an afternoon but you weren't able to meet anyone. What would you do?"
"Um… probably go for a walk or clean? Maybe if there were some nice clouds, I'd find a quiet place to watch them instead?" said Kat
"Books" said Lily without hesitation.
Sylvie giggled "Books" giggled some more and repeated "Books" once more.
Vivian nodded "I'd probably do some sketches. Callisto of course, would probably do some inventing, or…"
"Read books" said Sylvie and Lily mostly in sync.
Author's note
TFW you go back to when Chekov was first introduced to double check what he looks like and you find out you didn't give him a description.