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Chapter 417 Finding Solace

~ ZEV ~

The question rang in his head. What had the Team done to him? Why did he struggle to sleep in buildings with straight lines? Why did he get so angry when he was afraid?

It was so hard to pinpoint because they\'d never neglected him. If anything, he\'d always been treated like he was special. But that hadn\'t sheltered his heart from this gnawing pain… And there were things she didn\'t know... choices he\'d made. Things he\'d been led to. But he couldn\'t tell her those. Not now.

But he knew what it all added up to. The overall price. And that was safe to talk about.

"You don\'t know your place," he said quietly. Sasha waited until he sighed and went on. "When you\'re a kid and you get raised like that, it\'s not that you\'re abused, it\'s that… nothing feels safe. You don\'t know where you fit. You don\'t know where you belong. You don\'t know who to go to. I mean, there were nights I had no one, Sash. I got left while they had meetings or whatever. Pretty quickly they gave me Nick. But there was no Mom for me, no actual Dad. No one that I could run to when I needed protection. I had to take help from whoever was closest. And Nick… sometimes he was really attentive and caring. And other days… it was like it didn\'t even register for him."

"I think even real parents have those days," Sasha said, still stroking his cheek. "That\'s not because of you, Zev. That\'s because of them."

Zev shook his head. "No, I\'m serious, Sasha. This is bigger than that. It wasn\'t until I saw you with your family that I even realized what that creeping feeling was that I\'d had. This gut-wrenching need to be safe. To have a place to run to."

His eyes snapped up to hers as a thought occurred to him that made his blood run cold. "Our kid will never suffer that, Sasha. I will always protect our young. Always. To the death. I will not give any child of mine into their hands," he said fiercely.

"Me either," she breathed, "But we won\'t have to. Hold onto that, Zev. We\'re going to a place where they can never interfere with us again. We can raise our own kids—if we can even have them. And we won\'t have to worry about Nick, Nathan, or anyone else. We\'ll just live our lives…"

"I hope so," Zev breathed, screwing his face up against the wave of grief that wanted to wash over him.

"I want you to promise me something, Zev," Sasha said quietly, her eyes pleading with him.

Something about the look in her eye made him go very still. "What is it?"

"I want… I want you to promise me that if it ever comes down to a choice between me and our baby, you\'ll save our baby."

Zev\'s very first reaction was anger. He wanted to rail at her that she\'d ask that of him! But he didn\'t answer.

Sasha pressed into his chest. "I\'m serious. I\'m an adult, Zev. I don\'t want to leave you, or the Chimera. I pray that we\'ll have a lifetime together. But just because this place is safe from humans doesn\'t mean it\'s safe completely. We don\'t know what we\'re going to face. I want you to promise me. Let\'s promise each other. Our kids get a life. If it\'s in our control, our kids always get a life."

"You\'re forgetting that if I die, you die. Sash, if our kid loses one of us, they lose both. You really want to vow to that?"

Sasha\'s face fell. "Damn. I hadn\'t thought about that."

"I warned you about this vow, Sash—"

"No, no, Zev. I\'m not regretting it. I\'m just… I have to think this through. I hadn\'t thought about what their vow might do to our kids." She swallowed hard, then held his eyes. "I think… I think if it ever comes to that, we should sacrifice ourselves for our kids… don\'t you think?"

Zev\'s lips thinned. "I hope I never have to make that choice," he said finally. He could tell she hadn\'t missed that he hadn\'t promised. But he hadn\'t denied it either.

"Me too."

"Seems like it\'s right in God\'s wheelhouse to put that decision in front of me, though," he said bitterly.

"Zev, no!" She pulled him into a hug and he buried his face in her neck, inhaling her scent because it was the only thing that soothed his heart. "God brought us together, Zev. I mean, what are the chances? Our story is crazy. If he can make that happen, he can save our kids."

"I didn\'t say he couldn\'t. I said he won\'t want to."

"Zev!"

"Just leave it, Sash. We\'ll do what we need to do. Both of us will. Let\'s face one crisis at a time. How are we going to get through the gateway?"

"I really don\'t want to get knocked out," she said sadly. "But… I don\'t see another way. Do you have a dosage that will keep me down just for a short time?"

"I\'ll talk to Allory."

"Allory is your pusher?"

Zev huffed a hollow laugh. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Why weren\'t any of the other males torn up about their mates going through the gateway? None of them that I asked talked about that pain we felt. Have you heard any stories like that?"

Zev shook his head. "No. I\'ve been listening to a lot of stories about the day the females disappeared and no one\'s mentioned it. I haven\'t heard of anyone else having that problem. But I haven\'t asked them, either. Maybe it\'s because we\'re Ardent?"

"Or maybe it\'s because I\'m human? Maybe it\'s just different for us? But we have to try, Zev. We have to try to stay together and safe. Neither of us is safe if the other\'s in danger."

He stared at her for a long time, then leaned in for a soft kiss. "We\'ll figure it out," he said eventually. But Sasha shook her head.

"No, we won\'t. God will. You\'re good, Zev. You have a soul. He\'s got to show you somehow."

Her faith that this God would care about him was touching. But her faith in Zev himself was what stole his breath.